acceptance

Why Do YOU Dance? (Or Why Don’t You?)

~ Tael ~ 2 Comments

The most vivid memories that stick with you are the ones where you can recall the pure emotion you felt in that moment. One such recollection: sitting in my older cousin’s room as a child with some of his friends. A 90s Kit-Kat commercial came on and they all joyously sang along. I felt the excitement; I knew the jingle. So I hopped up into their circle, singing and clapping and bouncing along with them. They immediately stopped and silently stared down at me. Without knowing why, I got the hint: my attempt at merriment with them was unwelcome. That was my first encounter with dance-associated shame.

What continued to follow me throughout life was a confusing cycle where my family constantly picked on my seemingly horrible dance skills while others praised some hidden propensity within me. I got pulled into ballet lessons for 3 years because some scouts came to my elementary school and noticed some kind of aptitude. But when my family pulled me into the dancing fray at family functions, they made a spectacle of jeering at me like some kind of experiment. It became a Pavlovian trigger: dance in front of family, prepare for the ridicule. A script I could never alter, no matter how hard I tried. “You have no rhythm.” “Why can’t you do it like [insert family member’s name]?” “Hahahahahahahayousuck.” I learned early to stop trying and initially compartmentalized it as hating dance instead. I pretended that music didn’t move me.

Except I knew I didn’t really hate it. I was just sick of being laughed at for it.

At my middle-school prom (yeah, we had one of those), I wanted nothing more than to dance with my friends in a non-judgmental space just for us. But keeping up a performative self of avoiding grooving meant I didn’t have much practice. I waited until it seemed my mom had finally stopped lurking and left, then awkwardly tried to boogie down the mini Soul Train line of student spectators. But after ducking away at the end of it, my mom materialized out of nowhere and grabbed me. “I was watching you. See, this is why you need to practice,” she said. Embarrassed once again; still not up to par with her standards. But recognizing that I didn’t want my dancing to be for her standards. Because at that point, I couldn’t recall any memory of me dancing purely to enjoy myself, just a burning desire to perform “dance” in a way that my family would accept and not humiliate me for it.

I finally got that breath of freedom in college. Before then, I’d never really gone to parties. But here, it was spaces crammed with familiar sweaty student bodies and good vibes, far away from my family hawk-eyeing my movements. Like those old-school dance parties they talk about on social media, before social media was really a thing. Packed together, fogging up the windows, not even hydrating properly, encouraging any spectators to join in without judgment. It was liberating. Whether you were showing off, head-bopping from the wall, or taking cues from the latest popular music video shenanigans, everyone did their thing with camaraderie. There was unity in us all wanting each other to have a good time. I even felt brave enough to enroll in a highly coveted Hip-Hop course on campus, just for the fun of trying and freely messing up in a class atmosphere. Nobody taunted my dancing skills here.

Despite my attachment to the college-party life, once I graduated, I didn’t move to clubs or anything like that, because after a couple attempts, I found I hated the real-world club experience. It just wasn’t the same outside, no longer surrounded by the same good vibes and familiarity and pureness. And so, I found myself missing dance again and the freedom of being able to move without feeling like I was under a microscope. At first I substituted with the Just Dance series, where I found I could solo-groove in peace now that I’d moved out of my mom’s house. But it wasn’t enough. So I started attending more Hip-Hop classes (shout out to Hip Hop Dance Junkies!). Sure, part of it was a rebellious move against the constant “You have no rhythm” mantra of my family. But trying to extinguish the love of music and movement deep inside me for so long had done nothing to quell the stubborn blaze, shining fiercely below the surface as if someone only needed to pay attention to see it gleaming through my eyes like a window.

And just as no one ever judged me at the college parties, no one ever judged me in class either. In fact, the opposite. People complimented me. People said they watched me to make sure they were doing the routine right. Folks said “Wow, you’re so good,” and I couldn’t believe it. It felt so alien and contradictory. Why was I good enough for everyone else but my family? Could my mom even pull off the choreography we learned? This wasn’t some backyard Black cookout dancing; this required memorization, drills and muscle memory. All my life my family had made it seem like it was so effortless and natural for everyone else but me, but I would have paid money to see our roles swapped and see how they fared with the moves I was learning.

I got introduced to Tango on a work-trip excursion to a milonga in Argentina. After hopping into some fun mini-classes that night, I tried to take it even further back in the States. From the very first class, the teachers immediately noticed some kind of capability in me; I heard them muttering together as they watched me dance with another student. The school owner even seemed to take an interest in coaching me for the duration of my attendance. It was he who pushed me to join him and select other students at a milonga in the city, and encouraged one of his very attractive student teachers to take me into a back room for “one-on-one practice.” Swear to God it was just dancing, but it was absolutely one of the most seamless, sensually connected dance experiences ever.

The challenge to dance continued to follow me and remind me of its calling. At a rooftop social mixer, I pulled out a slip of paper from an icebreaker bag that read, “Have a dance-off”. I groaned. But I was surprised to find others around me grimacing at the fact that they’d avoided such a challenge because they didn’t want to do it either! They were just as apprehensive about dancing in front of a bunch of strangers. So what did I do? Told myself, “You got this, you’ll never see these people again,” and freestyled with my opponent in front of everyone for a good 30 seconds. And I was glad I did it. Yet again, folks made a point of coming up to me afterward to congratulate me, saying I did so well and they would have been terrified, juxtaposing everything my family had told me my whole life. Was the Pavlonian response of expecting to be snubbed diluting?

And now, this chapter of dance in my life is a Salsa journey. The one dance I never thought I’d be able to learn because the counts are so different from other dance styles, and it always looked so fast, so complex and insurmountable. But from the very first class, I wanted to keep going. It was such good vibes from the students and teachers alike. We were a bunch of beginners bumbling around, messing up and laughing together, but not at each other, simply because we were having a good time with the same goal in mind: to master this. When people tell me I’m good or that I’m a great partner or they have a fun dance with me, I inwardly beam with happiness because I still never feel that great. But I can see my progress in competence.

Sometimes I’ll watch more experienced dancers and feel my anxiety rising thinking I’d give them a boring dance because I’m not on their level. But I try to remind myself that while getting gud is the ultimate goal, not to forget the “having fun” part that I lost sight of for much of my life. Because ultimately, dance should be joyous. And you forget that when you’re so focused on performance and impressing others and not “failing”, rather than dancing with them. So I try to remember to keep my focus on my own connection with the music and my connection with my partner, because while I’m likely being watched (because someone is always watching you in Salsa), my goal has never been to dance for flashiness or to look sexy or to wow other people. If I have a good time with my dance partner, then that’s enough for me.

It also helps that people are not watching you just to tell you that you suck. They are watching for an opportunity to join your good time.

I love that I laugh a lot during Salsa, especially when mistakes are made, because they’re inevitable. If we fail a move, I encourage them to try it again; see if we nail it this time. I laugh because I’m comfortable and at ease. That freedom of dancing to feel good; I found it and I don’t want it to slip away again. And I’ve learned a life lesson that you should be dancing with those you vibe with, the ones you are good enough for, and if you don’t vibe and it doesn’t feel good, then don’t. Move on and find your tribe, (and your joy again).

~Tael

P.S. To those who’ve believed in me, thank you 🙂

When Abuse Follows You

~ Tael ~ Leave a comment

I was groomed to hide abuse.

That’s what I’m learning about myself now.

My darling friend said I should write a book on it, because of all the firsthand trauma I’ve experienced from narcissism in my life. And more and more folks are starting to share their stories all over social media. More and more folks are not hiding their abuse.

Those of us who grew up around abuse can unfortunately hold a higher tolerance for disrespectful behavior because it was so prevalent in our childhood. I’d lay on a mattress by the front door with my best friend as we snacked on pasta and scribbled in activity books with headphones, trying to block out the shouts and crashes in her parents’ bedroom. Summer vacations spent with my extended family, I’d wake up to my aunt wailing at me and my cousin to flee next door and call the cops on her husband as he assaulted her, only to get the “nevermind” call at the neighbors. On other occasions, cousins and family friends pinned me down, ripped my shirt open; their hands wandered my body, their bodies on top of mine, their mouths sought my private places, they directed me to do the same to them.

I never told my mom any of those things until recently, as a full-grown adult. Because there was an unspoken rule not to talk about these things that we caught, even as children. And when it’s the people you love and trust in these situations, well…it becomes “normal”. Not that big of a deal. Everyone has to deal with something like this in the real world, right?

So you bring that “resilience” to the real world, accustomed to dysfunction. You’re so comfortable with it, you’ve always navigated it…that you don’t even realize…you’re always navigating it. It’s become second nature. You don’t think to run away from your “normal”. You’re just used to it.

In college, when my ex put me in a chokehold, I didn’t tell anyone. I just gave him another chance. When he did it a second time and started punching me when I wouldn’t submit to him, I left him, but I didn’t report anything. I told a couple of my closest friends and kept it moving. Oh, and I told some frenemies who claimed to care about me, but then they spread rumors that I was still seeing him, knowing what had transpired. I was never afraid though, because he was a little bitch. Only little bitches hit women.

We’re groomed to hide mistreatment.

We’re also so used to abuse only being physical, outright yelling or nasty belittling. A benefit of social media is that it’s opening our eyes collectively to the different types of emotional abuse that are so insidious. That we weren’t taught classified as abuse growing up. When I recounted different childhood experiences with my mom, my therapist said “Let’s stop dancing around the word we should be calling it, which is abuse.”

Abuse. Full stop. Because it’s so hard to connect that word with those you love. Because my mom’s intentions were good most of the time. But neglect and abuse are not always intentional. And accidental doesn’t mean it’s not there.

I wasn’t allowed to show “negative” emotion as a child. If I reacted with sadness or anger at anything my mom did, I was told I had an attitude or punished. I could not show any disapproval at her actions, no matter how ridiculous or illogical they were. That’s a key narcissistic trait though. One of my narcissistic exes once told me himself he needed to be around happy people only, because he was not capable of producing happiness himself. Also code for, “You cannot respond negatively to any of my abuse“. Narcs cannot regulate their own emotions, which is why they cannot handle yours, and will call you “emotional”. They flee from any emotion that is not “happy” or “anger” rather than dealing with it like an adult (because remember, they are emotionally immature). Which is why they need to constantly be surrounded by others hyping them up and giving them pats on the back and telling them “Good job”. They crave external validation because they cannot give it to themselves. That same ex needed me to celebrate every time he made a “sale” at his job, even though, that was literally his job every day: to make sales. So I had to celebrate him doing his basic job correctly, the way you clap for a toddler during potty-training. My last ex got mad that I didn’t automatically high-five him after a gym session. I have been with some bodybuilding-looking motherfuckers, and not once did they expect any sort of validation for completing their routine gym workouts. Because internal confidence does not breed the need to beg for recognition. But I wasn’t “supportive” enough because of this.

My individuality was not valued as a child, because my mom saw me as an extension of herself, as did my narc exes. In my last relationship, I constantly felt misunderstood, not heard, and not seen as my own person. Because I wasn’t. Things that were important to me were overlooked or easily forgotten. I was seen for how “good” I made my partner look (because I was attractive, fit, had home-making skills and participated in his hobbies), same as when I was young and my awards and educational accomplishments therefore made my mom look special in her parenting. But my unique quirks were not appreciated (they were usually laughed at), and if I had a differing opinion, or did something they thought made them look bad by association (because with narcs, it’s all about their projected image), it was all over. My personal feelings, thoughts or beliefs did not matter. If anything, they expected me to change my mind for them. I was expected to be uncomfortable so that they could look good or have their way at all times, and fake happiness even when I was miserable. If I didn’t, then I was “ruining the mood”, and the one thing a narc hates is if you ruin their good time because you’re upset by something inconsiderate that they did. But because they don’t want to be seen as a bad person in any capacity (and in their heads if they’ve done a bad thing then they’re automatically a bad person and they can’t process the shame involved), they just keep doing bad things and not taking accountability for them.

My mom is the first one to bend over backwards for someone and perform a favor that may greatly inconvenience her, if it will make her look like a savior. It’s generally a great production so that everyone knows, “Look what I did.” My narc exes were exactly the same, because it made them look like good people. But you’ll notice, they’d never do something like that for the people closest to them, like their partners or family members. Like, they’ll jump out of bed at 3am because their drunk friend called and needs a ride in the next town over, but complain about having to pause their game and drive their girlfriend home from the doctor 7 minutes away. It’s telling.

Heavy criticism is another marker. My mom never thought twice to publicly shame me for little things that didn’t match up to her standards, making spectacles of beating me or announcing my gifts were wrong, then proudly proclaiming her disciplinary actions to others. My aunt has witnessed her being incredibly cruel to me vocally on more than one occasion, and giving zero fucks about my feelings despite my being obviously visibly hurt. My two worst relationships with the biggest narcs were rife with criticism. And it was never constructive. I kid you not, my last ex brought up a work trip from 3 years prior, before we were even together, where I snuck a man into our company Airbnb late into the night for some “fun times”, so I barely got any sleep. The next morning, our group activity involved taking a yacht to a private island. I discreetly asked the captain if there was a room I could catch up on a few Zzzs in. He gladly obliged, I conked out for like 2 hours and awoke refreshed, ready to party with my team, feast, take pics, and swim in the river. But my ex made the biggest fuss about this years later for some reason. HOW DARE YOU DISAPPEAR FOR A NAP BECAUSE YOU DID DIRTY THINGS WITH A MAN BEFORE WE WERE TOGETHER. I DON’T THINK THIS WILL WORK OUT. Keep in mind I caught him going on Tinder while we were together “for validation” (narcs have ridiculous double-standards galore). There was absolutely nothing I could correct about that situation; it just happened and he wouldn’t let it go and angrily shoved it in my face for hours/days as this somehow lowered my worth in his eyes. The guy who also patronized sex workers and happy-ending massage parlors.

He told me he sometimes saw me as “his friend’s leftovers”, since I had dated his narc friend as well, and somehow thought he’d be different because of how hard he pursued me and earnest he was with his feelings (beware of love-bombing ya’ll). Another something I could do nothing about, but he held it over my head as if I’d now been demoted to a clearance rack item. Another instance he wouldn’t let go of for months, was a gaming session with friends, where a player I barely knew profanely roared at me when I beat him, which made me feel extremely unsettled. I ended up leaving because I couldn’t shake it off, and he once again claimed that my removing myself “ruined the mood”. The fact that he was well aware of my past trauma with abusive men yelling and getting physical didn’t matter. Because your feelings never matter to a narc, your discomfort doesn’t matter, your trauma does not matter. All that matters is what they want in that moment and how they think they look, at your expense. You live to serve them.

Have you ever had someone you loved callously watch you cry, turn their back on you and leave or like, pet the cat instead? Almost sociopathic, right? Normal people don’t like to see their loved ones hurt, but to narcissistic people, our tears inconvenience them. It’s literally, “Shit, they’re crying, now I gotta console them, ugh, I don’t wanna.” And yet, I’ve literally had them earnestly look deep into my eyes and say, “This anime is very important to me, I need you to pay attention and watch it seriously,” because I was looking at my phone. Double standards. Lack of empathy. Hallmark narcissistic traits.

And then the manipulation. They don’t have a great sense of self, so they don’t respect yours either, hate your boundaries, and ignore your likes and dislikes. And so, they’ll insist you do things that you’ve made clear you don’t like, and then get mad at you for not visibly enjoying it. One ex got angry because I opted out of playing beer pong and sat on a stool to watch the game instead. Another threw a fit because I pulled myself out of a game of Never Have I Ever, when a coworker kept pressing me on a question I didn’t want to answer. If you’ve been with a narc yourself, you’ll know, the anger is always severely disproportionate to the actual “offense”, due to their terrible emotional dysregulation. My ex even admitted that though he’d been promising that he’d close the gap on our relationship by moving to my state since we got together, he’d hoped that we could do drugs together and I’d be enlightened to change my mind so he wouldn’t have to keep his promise. You’re not accepted for who you are, but rather, the ball of Play-Doh you become for them to mold into whatever they need at the moment.

But we’re trained…to stay…silent.

I remember the first time I broke the silence of keeping the chaos a secret in my last relationship. After my alcoholic ex getting into 3 vehicular accidents within the first year of our relationship, and the fear I felt one night wondering if I might become a victim in the passenger side of his reckless swerves and curb-jumping. I remember him being pissed that I’d told someone, but in no way concerned for my safety, just his image. I remembered thinking how horrified my family and friends back home would be if they found out I’d been hurt (or worse) in a completely preventable accident because I’d chosen to move states to be with a substance-abuser with heavy mental issues who hid liquor bottles in his cue-stick bag and constantly pushed me to leave but I stayed because I really wanted to help heal him but staying meant constantly enduring why can’t you just think how I think and act like I act and NOT be your own person and never disagree or dislike anything I say or do and excuse all of my bad behavior? Why can’t you ever be…good enough.

And you won’t be. Not for them. You will never be good enough for them. Because they move the goalpost every time you finally reach it. And because nothing is ever good enough for them. Because they aren’t actually happy with themselves, and that’s why they’re always chasing the next high, restlessly looking to fill the void and persistent emptiness inside of them with outside stuff. They are not at peace with themselves, so they’ll never be peaceful with you. And they don’t love you for the person you actually are. They love you for what you’re doing for them, how well you’re handling their projected emotions, how well you make them look. The second your real flaws and needs come into the picture as a person, and they have to cope with actual human sides of you, the “love” they say they have stops.

Ben Taylor of Raw Motivations, a self-aware narcissist who shares helpful content on narcissistic abuse, reminds us that narcissists’ words never line up with their actions. A glaring mark of dishonesty. And that you always need to be looking at what is being demonstrated over what is said.

So, let’s take this example. One of the biggest recurring issues in my last relationship was that my ex had an “internet friend” that he’s only met once in his life. Someone he’s never really shared his hopes and dreams or trauma with or who has never stood by him through some deep shit or helped him in any meaningful way. He repeatedly swore up and down they were just friends and there was nothing sexual or anything more going on between them. But women have intuition and know when something’s up. Despite my ex willing to die on the hill of his assertion that this was a run-of-the-mill friendship, the following happened during our relationship:

  1. He liked all of the pictures she posted and commented on how beautiful she was.
  2. He showed me old messages between them of him admitting his crush on her and getting upset whenever she mentioned her boyfriend (the literal definition of simping).
  3. He tried to hide the fact that he was watching her Twitch streams when I was around (because obviously he felt it was something that needed to be hidden).
  4. He bought her OnlyFans subscription in secret, “out of curiosity” he said (even though he supposedly had no sexual feelings for her) and then admitted to me he was looking for her pics to jack off to.
  5. He mentioned she once sent him a video of her having sex with her boyfriend.
  6. Despite MANY serious conversations and ensuing forgiveness, culminating in a giant boundary being set by me that I could not “happily” continue the relationship if he continued to reach out to her, he broke the agreement we made, did it anyway, then deleted the conversations between them. He then lied to me about how they got deleted, trying to convince me the phone must have deleted it, the social media platform must have malfunctioned (guys, THIS is textbook gaslighting) until he finally admitted to it, but claimed there wasn’t anything suspicious said (though he felt the need to delete the evidence). He then refused to unfriend her after breaking the promise, which caused our relationship to end (He also immediately confided in her directly after the breakup).
  7. He came back months later asking me for another chance, saying he confessed all of his shady behavior to her because she needed to know. I later found out this was also all a lie once I actually saw the messages. He basically just told her I was being ridiculous. He then told me that he lied to me to “make himself look better” so that I would take him back again.
  8. And then, after the subsequent breakup, he immediately unblocked and refollowed same girl AGAIN and began liking her stuff, even though he’d told me he “barely thinks about her anymore”. Even after we’d made a pact to try and be friends and help each other get through this breakup together, stay in one another’s lives, remain sensitive to each other’s emotions, a source of comfort, not post anything hurtful, you know, all that mature breakup jazz when you actually care about a person? Even though I was expected to “watch what I post” and make sure I didn’t accidentally post a guy’s arm anywhere on my social media. So I called him out on it, and he apologized saying “I had no idea it would upset you, I’ve unfollowed her”, (after 3 years of this being a recurrent problem, had no idea) only to find out he friended and still spoke to her on another platform.

Believe the words? Or the actions? What is being demonstrated here? Trust, honesty, loyalty, and caring? Fuck no! If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it ain’t a cow, no matter how much a narc tries to gaslight you into believing you don’t understand farm animals. They will lie to your face. And they think their lying is justified because they have a faulty conscience that operates as a “What can I get away with?” meter. “Did those actions display love like his words did?” No Ben. They did not. Were those the regular friendly actions of a man who’s totally not into this girl and has no ulterior motive whatsoever? No. They are not. What is actually happening is what is factual. We are so hurt by the actions and so confused when they don’t line up with the words, that we’ll lie to ourselves just to soothe the pain of betrayal by someone we loved and would have done anything for. We’ll lie and say “He didn’t mean it,” or “This is how caring looks.”

But take away all the slick words and the silver tongue. Someone who directs his attention to talk to the dog while you’re breaking down and hurt doesn’t love you. Someone who tells you, after you have to physically remove yourself from the room because he won’t take your no to sex for an answer, “You should have said no more seriously,” does not love you. Someone who says “I understand that this hurt you,” and then proceeds to do the exact same thing over and over again…does not actually care. It’s all a deceptive facade.

My mom and I have been having a lot more talks recently because she genuinely wants to improve our adult relationship. And she finally used the word herself last week. She said she didn’t realize that what she was doing back then was emotional abuse. But she realizes it now. And perhaps finally calling it what it is, by name, is freedom.

And not hiding abuse anymore is freedom.

And having the courage to radically accept the painful truth that you loved those who never reciprocated meaningful love or caring in return despite their words?

Freedom from their lies.

And freedom from the lies we had to tell ourselves to be with them, that we actually meant something real to them; the worst pain of all.

Tell your story.

~Tael

I Don’t Need To Be A “Good Woman” Anymore

~ Tael ~ 3 Comments

Frankly, I’ve become sick of it.

Because the “Good Woman” has become the female counterpart of the “Nice Guy.” It’s the woman who gets walked over. Who moves her boundaries to accommodate others and pays for it. It’s the woman who gets burned out from always putting her needs last, and is called selfish when she doesn’t. Who loses her individuality in the identity of the “good wife and mother.” Who stretches herself thin to the point of exhaustion and is praised for this. Who’s expected to treat a man like a king but not receive queen treatment in return. She’s ride-or-die and must stand by her man no matter what, so she swallows indignation and lets indiscretion slide, absorbing her own painful feelings like a sponge. It’s more acceptable for her man to make mistakes but if she slips up, it’s World War III because a Good Woman is expected to be perfect, not human. How often do you hear a story about the complete asshole who got cheated on and probably had it coming? Not nearly as often as you hear about the “Good Woman who got away” or “the man who didn’t appreciate what he had until it was too late.”

A Good Woman should never be too emotional, because he’ll tell her so. A Good Woman shouldn’t nag, because nagging drives a man away. As young girls, did your family groom you to play this role? To believe that “keeping a man” is paramount and if he leaves, you’ve failed and your worth as a woman plummets? That embracing the Good Woman role takes precedent over your own personality and it needs to be displayed; the world needs to know how much of a Good Woman you are by how smoothly your relationship is going and if it’s not, it’s somehow your fault? A “Good Woman” is more likely to settle because at least she’s “keeping a man.” Her goal is being achieved.

Her role as a Good Woman is to cook, clean, care for the home AND work, while the man simply has to…work. A “Good Woman” keeps the kids out of the way so that the man has peace from his own children; his special chair, domain over the television, head-of-the-household dominion without daily household-running participation, simply because of his gender. It’s completely acceptable for him not to be sociable; to retreat to a garage or man-cave for hours at a time, because only men need to retreat. Any input or help he does offer, society applauds him because the bar is so much lower that bare minimum is better than nothing. If he makes one meal to his wife’s 10, he must be praised and encouraged. The Good Woman frequently gives more than she receives out of expectation. Her image is always under a microscope and must always be maintained.

She must always be on her game because she’s expected to provide advice, money, comfort. If she’s not in a state to administer those supplies, then she falls off her pedestal. She can’t be too assertive about her likes, dislikes, and knowing what she wants because this makes others uncomfortable. She really can’t even openly express discomfort with others’ actions, especially her man’s. She must go with the flow at all times and not make ripples in the surface. She makes a huge dinner only for him to come home late, glance at it, and decide he wants pizza instead. She stands by him through drunken tirades and hurtful behavior, lies and half-truths, and blistering criticism of her personality beneath the “Good Woman” cloak. Money mismanagement, she fronts him. Emotional mistakes, she soothes him. Personal growth, she supports him. He explodes on her in public, passersby giving her anxious “Are you okay” glances as she tries to calm him down through the shame. She wilts under the disrespectful behavior from his family and friends that he does not check them for, but is not allowed to defend herself or call them out because then she’s being disrespectful for standing up for herself. She accepts him for who he is, but is not accepted in return. She must smile and always appear agreeable, especially around others in his presence, regardless of whatever storm is brewing beneath her surface.

“At least he doesn’t beat her,” is always a reason to stay.

A Good Woman will receive many apologies when she stays and endures the negative behavior, and dole out much forgiveness because she’s so Good. But she’s not valued for her personality, the way she makes him laugh, the thoughtfulness she puts into gift-giving, her unique traits or how she considers his feelings. She’s valued for putting up with the antics and letting him get away with what he can. Shrinking herself so that she doesn’t appear challenging and her man’s circle certainly can’t know that she has the power to call ANY shots like an equal in the relationship, because then the man no longer appears manly. A Good Woman even has sex when she doesn’t feel like it, simply because “a man needs it.” And he’s still getting “kept”.

Because to “keep a man” is paramount. That’s the most. Important. Thing.

But I no longer want to “keep a man.” I no longer want this to be the driving goal in my life. I want a man who wants. To. Be. Kept. Who doesn’t need to be persuaded to do right by her.

To choose me. Because of our bond and our connection. Who’s in it based off his own integrity and values and not a Facebook “Relationship Goals” meme checklist. Because he respects me, enjoys my mind, and finds me special, not because I’m adorning myself with garments from the “Good Woman” wardrobe, but because of that naked authenticity beneath. Because when we come together, we bring our own unique ingredients that create a flavor that works for us, and not a trending recipe.

Who says, “It’s okay to be yourself.“

I no longer need the validation from the “Good Woman” title. The Good Woman who continuously takes shit because the more she endures it, the more she somehow earns a more valuable badge of honor (and let’s face it, good women take shit). What I NEED, and what’s healthiest for me, is to be myself. Safe within my boundaries, filling my own cup and then giving to others, holding others accountable for their own responsibilities instead of playing a savior role. To express myself freely and make mistakes and learn from them without fear that I’m not following the “guidelines” because I’m too busy following my own compass.

I want the real me seen, not the “Good Woman” costume I’ve been told I need to fit in life. I’d much rather be accepted for that.

And if the real me isn’t “good enough,” that’s okay too. You’re more than welcome to find better.

~Tael

Blackness Mirrored

~ Tael ~ Leave a comment

I see you all, standing with us.

Mirroring our outrage, disgust and frustration. Those who have to be mindful of their skin tone every day. Those who have the privilege of forgetting their skin color.

Those who don’t see skin color at all.

Which camp are you?

I see my Blackness as part of my genetic make-up; an identity trait holding no more weight than my slim frame, flowing dreadlocks, love of music. But I don’t “experience” my skin tone. I share it. The unpopular minority that doesn’t immediately get offended if another race uses the term “nigga.” To me it’s an urban term; you know when it’s being used inappropriately and the intention of the one using it. You know.

You could be the self-hating Black kind like my ex-husband. Terrified to be associated with anything stereotypical, like Red Lobster, fried chicken and watermelon. Clinging to art and classical music, ties and blazers, to remind everyone “I’m not THAT kind of Black.”

While I seamlessly drift through all worlds at once; projects and spacious houses, Flatbush and Midtown, slang and literature.

Because allies are everywhere.

Internally, i’m not very mindful of my Blackness. Because I don’t “wear” it. I just…AM. But outside my bubble, discrimination continues. And when I watch the viral clips and videos, I FEEL it.

When a Black man needlessly gets shot, jogging in his neighborhood or relaxing in his OWN HOME, I get angry.  When a white woman calls the cops on a Black person for existing…calling her out for breaking the rules, waiting for a friend in an apartment building, barbecuing, playing golf…I get angry. When we’re being choked and cry out that we can’t breathe and it’s ignored, and we DIE, I get angry. When four cops need to pile on top of an unarmed Black mother in front of her child because apparently that force was necessary, I get angry. I wonder why, despite growing up in a blender of culture, after 33 years this insensitivity still exists in 2020. Like it’s been frozen and preserved, retaining all the same intensity as the Jim Crow era. I don’t understand racism. I grew up surrounded by blacks, whites, browns, tans, pales, caramels, butters, peanuts, olives, accents, hijabs, yarmulkes, jade stones and languages I did not understand.

I grew up around tolerance. Acceptance.

So I get ANGRY when I hear this bullshit is still happening. And I feel the collective rage. And I don’t NOT condone the looting. And the anarchy. And the chaos. The wild frustrated will to truly be free when you’ve been walking on eggshells the rest of the time. And the melting pot all over the nation feels it, and the unified support and disgust that these incidents keep occurring that non-Blacks are mirroring is a tearful embrace saying, “We got ya’ll.”

And I’m so proud. To everyone who stares down an armed cop to mirror our indignation in the name of our equality, I’m so proud. I want to absorb your courage.

I love you for marching for us.

And I love those unafraid to open dialogue about Blackness. So many of us are quick to lash out at ignorance. And while I fully understand the sentiment, discussion from both sides NEEDS to take place, not just condemnation.

It’s maddening that ignorance exists and some shit we think is obvious still needs to be TAUGHT to others. But we have to accept that we live in a world riddled with ignorance. And if someone is willing to address that ignorance within themselves, and actively seek guidance and understanding in an effort to rise above it, then that is courage as well, and we need to be willing to mentor and educate with a disciplined mind. On why that way of thinking is wrong. On why that sort of action is inappropriate or offensive. Poke enough holes through a closed mind that wants to be open, and ignorance can filter out like a sieve.

I will never be afraid to have that dialogue. Because it’s knowledge that defeats ignorance.

The incidents of injustice we keep seeing, can make you want to give in so badly to automatic hate.

But, I don’t want to be driven to hate.
Because hate is why we’re where we are now.

But if it makes you feel a little better, do it anyway. Get it out. Hate. Emote. Protest. Riot. Loot.

Teach.

~Tael

Why I Deleted My Dating Apps During The Quarantine

~ Tael ~ 2 Comments

Yes, during the very time that more people are flocking to them than ever.

I was over “dating” a long time ago. Like, before there was online dating. It was a fresh new “sport” to try out back in college but then I quickly realized people suck, and I don’t like perusing through them romantically the same way I once did library books.

Something about dressing up and presenting yourself in the best artificial manner possible comes across as very job-interviewish, and I’m not the biggest fan of those either but they’re necessary to survive.

Dating is not.

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I’ll admit i’m not very good at it because I hate it. Looking back at my track record, i’ve mostly slipped into relationships the “normal” (non-dating-app-initiated) way, with very serial monogamist tendencies. This is not to say that I don’t enjoy being alone; I live alone, enjoy the hell out of it, and am one of the least romantic women you’ll encounter. I never had girly dreams of a fancy expensive wedding (the cost of which could be a down payment on real estate) with a glamorous white dress, kids and a house outta Martha Stewart Living. I’ve only dabbled into the online-dating world in the past 3 years or so, and I wouldn’t call the experience pleasant. I’ve met gamers I didn’t click with, psychos who I’ve fled their apartment, friends-with-benefit failures who couldn’t even be counted on to show up, ONE actual relationship I don’t think I should have been in, and an incredibly disappointing sexual encounter that I had to try twice just to confirm the first was not a mistake. And this was after weeding through incredibly dull conversations, dudes who unmatched me after I said I wasn’t into orgies, dudes who fall off the face of the earth because they were the ones you might have actually been interested in, and a guy who just wanted to be friends but not meet up to hang out with me as friends and continue to solicit me for sexy pictures (???).

When the lockdown began, I saw the uptick in notifications from my dating apps. Strange, seeing as how I hadn’t matched/liked someone on my end since like 2 months ago. That should give you an indication as to how often I actually use them. In 4 months, I’d gone on a grand total of one whole date. Where were these “matches” coming from? Then I realized…OHHHH EVERYBODY IS BORED AND HORNY NOW!!

I let them build and build and build, because I got tired just thinking about reading through the assortment of incredibly non-witty intros and messages that would clearly show up front we weren’t a good fit. You know, like “Good Morning, how’s your day going?” NEXT. I’m sorry, this is perfectly polite, but I’m savage.

When I finally got around to reading through the…SHIT, my eyes glazed over. And I wondered, why subject myself to this if it’s not even fun? Why follow this trend if I see it as a chore?

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I find it incredibly exhausting…to get to know a person. I don’t like just talking to anybody, I DESPISE small talk and “pleasantries,” and can find socializing exhausting if i’m not especially clicking with the socializers. So if I’m going to make ANY effort, it needs to damn sure be worth it. There’s gotta be SOMETHING that makes me WANT to get to know you. Usually something interesting (I know I know, EVERYBODY thinks they are DIFFERENT). When we talk, I need to laugh (actually giggle, chuckle out loud), engage in a bit of teasing, learn something. Then YOU have to feel the same shit, agree to meet up with me, STILL get along with me in person and not turn out to be an ogre (hey, same with me), try to stay relaxed and not overthink and over-expect anything, feel something REAL, and then agree to keep the shit going, OR let them down gently if you ain’t into it without feeling like a complete asshole.

That is WORK.

Work for the right person? AMAZING and completely worth it! But work for countless “let’s sees” who you’ll barely remember months down the line? Draining…as…fuck.
“You should keep your dating apps,” my mom told me several days ago when I proposed the idea. “Just because you never know where you’re gonna find the guy. Just in case.”

Not when simply checking a notification from Random Joe #27 is so depleting. I can’t do it anymore. How do my peers juggle multiple potential daters at the same time when just investing in the PROSPECT of one makes me want to air-gun my cabeza?

So I deleted them. Leaving only Tinder as my “In Case of Emergency,” app (because it’s low-hassle) just in case I get really horny and need some bad-decision sex to take the edge off again. Once the quarantine is over of course.

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I’m seeing articles that the coronavirus is actually changing online dating for the better. People are having VIDEO CHAT DATES. Making plans months in advance to meet new people. Really forming actual bonds because there’s nothing else to do. If it’s helping people get through this, then I’m genuinely happy for them.

But it’s not my thing. It’s not for me. Unless i’ve met you already in person, you’re incredibly charming or witty with words (like a writer!), or you’ve shared some emotional aspect of yourself that allows me to feel connected with you, I have a hard time vibing with you over messages. I hate video chatting. And even though i’m stuck at home with nothing else to do, I don’t want to expend my energy swipe over-driving and video speed-dating hunting for a connection with someone.

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Because no matter how many similarities you have with the person, or boxes they check off from your relationship-person box-checking list in their profile, or even how good the date goes, it still…may…not…matter.

Depressing, huh?

Do I sound like a woman who’s given up? No, my babies; I promise you I haven’t. It’s just not my priority. I’m over the bullshit games that “dating” requires. Because let’s be honest: you CANNOT fully be…REAL. So I’d rather wander alone and stumble across the right soul when the universe dictates it’s my time. But until then…why weed through a revolving door of kindling what-ifs trying to force a spark?

If a spark’s to be had, it will find me.

Ninja…fucking…out.

~Tael